Drifting Souls II
Rating PG – For language
Timeframe: Just following Adrift Part 1
Summery: Harm’s reflections; as his mind begins to drift off as he awaits rescue after his crash. This is a companion piece to Drifting Souls I, the timeframe from Mac’s POV.
Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters; I just use them for my own enjoyment. I am just a poor college student with bills. Don’t sue; it’s not worth it.
For about the first half hour, I worried about Skates, and her concerns of not being a good swimmer. Didn’t take long for flashbacks of my last punch-out to set in. Last time...Hell, I knew I'd never last like this, not out here. Too damn cold to let the fear have control. She landed closer to the wreck, they'd find her first, the rest was out of my hands -- time to turn my thoughts somewhere else, stay awake, survive.
Problem with that was that the alternative my mind has chosen isn't that much better. My body fights to stay above the waves on autopilot, and my mind is left to drift as it chooses. And unfortunately, it chooses HER. Mac. I wonder if she knows....
Now there is a loaded question. Does Mac know? About the crash? Sure she does, by now. Time's a little less than relevant out here, I have no idea how long it's been -- I have no idea of much out here beyond the water and the cold -- but it's been long enough. This, she knows. As for everything else, as for how much she know about me, how I feel...who knows.
Why didn't I just tell her, for God's sake? She's given me more than one opportunity. The first time was on that damn ferry in Australia. I tried to let her know, to say what I felt without saying the words. I thought she understood. Clearly, I was wrong. If she had understood, she never would have taken another man's ring, much less within the same 24-hour period.
Her wedding. God, I have never felt such a contradiction in all my life. Part of me wanted to be there for her so badly, it was like a physical force. Of course, it's that same part of me that got me into my present situation. But then, listening to my other side was completely unthinkable. That was the part of me that said that this storm was the perfect cover, a great excuse. An excuse not to have to watch her give the rest of her life to another man. I couldn't listen to that part of myself, because if I had, I know how much I would have hurt her...and because a part of me still can't accept that she would actually go through with it.
She couldn't, not really, not after the kiss we shared that night on the Admiral's porch. Not if that was real. I knew then, deep down, how she felt...how I felt. Did she know? Why the hell didn't I say it? I said plenty yesterday...if she needed me there so badly, maybe she should reconsider who she was marrying? Oh, God...how awful. How true. Didn't she realize?
I want to tell her so much, but at what price -- what risk? What the hell kind of question is that? I'm arguing with my own mind, it seems. What could be worse than this? Trapped in my own hell...nothing to do but drift and wonder...to think of nothing but death or her life with someone else. What the hell am I holding on for? I thought it was to survive, but it hasn't served me now, has it?
And suddenly, it all makes perfect sense. To survive out here, to survive in life, you have to hold on to what matters. And right now, this moment, all that matters is her. The rest of it drifts away, lost forever now in this endless ocean. She is my partner, my friend, my soul mate.... my life.
And now I know that the cold and the tired feeling inside are getting to me. Because she is everywhere at once. Everything I see is her. They say your life passes before your eyes when you face death. If that's true, than my life must have begun in the White House Rose Garden. I even see a ship in the distance...and another kiss. She hadn't known then, either.
Oh, God...Sarah...I'm sorry. I should have told you, I should have found a way sooner. I didn't understand then, what it would be like to let it all go...I tried, but I couldn't see it. But you did, you always have seen me better than I see myself. It's part of who we are.
I'm surrounded by thoughts of you, your face, the sound of your voice. There's another voice, calling my name from somewhere...familiar, but not yours. I try to tune it out. All I want is you...I'm tired, and cold...but you, you make me feel...everything.
Damn that voice. Persistent. But it's pulling you away from me. Don't go, please...I need you, Sarah...